Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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