she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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