Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
