She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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