Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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