Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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