you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
