I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
