you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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