he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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