I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
be right there i have to get my cape
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
