The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
