nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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