I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
