Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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