i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
