Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
