Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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