can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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