I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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