I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He shit in the fireplace
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
