And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
