my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
