Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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