I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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