my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
