I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
