a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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