He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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