totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
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