she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
