Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think I died a long time ago.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
