I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
