were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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