go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
