Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
