I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
