At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
