Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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