I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
