All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
