Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
