pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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