filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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