is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
