she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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