Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
