I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
