i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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