You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
