mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
