Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
no you cant smoke seaweed
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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