Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I currently don't understand fingers.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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