My room smells like vodka and shame
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
