i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
