I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
