I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
